Thursday, October 18th, 2007 Time: 12:39 am. keeping a record of my new goal to do something new/different and/or spontaneous every day. went for a jog at the canal with max today. Comments: Add Your Own. Sunday, April 8th, 2007 Time: 8:03 pm. Mood: depressed. i may not have internet access for a little while. just wanted to let you know, in case anyone cares. Comments: Add Your Own. Time: 10:17 am. Mood: scared. ugh. i don't want to move. i don't want to live with a boy. it would be better i guess if i were getting my own bedroom right away but i have to sleep on the couch for a little while. i wish we had a third roommate already. i hope this doesn't end up being a really bad idea... i like the security i have here. i like my job. i don't want to have to quit or cut way back on my hours (if my boss would even let me) because i don't have a ride to work. i don't want to live with someone who needs company 24/7. i don't want to feel like i have to be happy and cheerful all the time. i don't want to live somewhere where nothing is mine. he already owns everything. i'm going to be totally dependent on someone else. it sucks. i'm scared. :( last easter was so much better than this... Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own. Wednesday, April 4th, 2007 Time: 10:26 pm. Mood: still thoughtful. shut up shut up shut up. i'm jealous. i want to find a boy. Comments: Add Your Own. Time: 9:28 pm. Mood: thoughtful. just super busy. somewhat happy, somewhat confused. looks aren't so important anymore. i just want to hear there was some happiness. even better if there could be... i'm not pushing anything though. coordinate brain and mouth then ask me what's it like to have myself so figured out. wish i knew... i'm so open right now it's scary. ask me and i'll tell. i kind of want to tell anyway and no one's even asked. don't change your name keep it the same for fear I may lose you again i know you won't it's just that i am unorganized and i want to find you when something good happens ...whatever together. Comments: Add Your Own. Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007 Time: 9:44 pm. Mood: drunk. i dreamt a dream tonight; that dreamers often lie. Comments: Add Your Own. Monday, April 2nd, 2007 Time: 9:24 pm. Mood: awake. oh crap. i lost my underwear. both pieces. double crap. it's not as bad as it sounds though. they were off so i could get in the hottub saturday night. now i just can't find them. that's what i get for being such a sloppy drunk. damn. damn damn damn. i can't even remember if i wore them to denny's or not. ahhhh. Comments: Add Your Own. Sunday, April 1st, 2007 Time: 9:32 pm. Mood: stressed. i usually don't remember dreams. friday night though i did and i woke up really thinking it was real. it was one of the worst dreams i have ever had. this is the first chance i've had to write anything about it. someone died. he killed himself actually. took a bunch of sleeping pills and strangled himself. (i know, i'm not even sure if that's possible, but it was a dream.) i didn't know it had happened and i went to see him (i'm not sure why) but when i got to this place where he lived (i have no idea where it was, not his real home though) there were police and medics all over. and my mom was there. i walked in and saw him lying there in bed (dead) and my mom told me what happened. i really don't know what she was doing there, she was gone after that. he looked terrible. there was something wrong with his eye. i pretty much freaked out right then and there. they took him away in an ambulance and i cried for what felt like forever (in the dream.) i was absolutely devastated. i had never gotten to tell him how i felt or had the chance to be anything (even a friend) to him again. and i just couldn't figure out why he would kill himself. there was no note. i was so upset that he wouldn't get to live his life and i was so confused because he had always seemed so ok and was the last person i'd ever expect any of this from. i felt so much pain for how unhappy he must have been. i just couldn't see the rest of life without him...even if he wasn't in my life, i just wanted to know he was...alive and ok. if that makes any sense at all. probably not, i've never really felt anything quite like that before and i'm not really sure how to explain it, especially now that it's been a couple days. i can't believe how much you can really feel in a dream. it was extremely intense. i couldn't fall back into a good sleep for the rest of the night. i really had to convince myself it was a dream so i wouldn't call him in the middle of the night just to check. i was really scared. i'm starting to feel a little funny again from writing all this. it's so weird how some dreams you forget in two minutes and other stick with you for a long time. this one especially. anyway, i'm fascinated by dreams and i'd love to figure this one out. it seems like maybe it's pretty obvious in meaning and straightforward but i don't know, brains are crazy things and it probably means something like i enjoy thunderstorms something else totally unrelated. not to be chees or anything but what if it's a sign? what if something bad (maybe that or something totally different) is about to happen? in all seriousness, i really hope he's ok.... i wish i could ask. :\ Comments: Add Your Own. Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 Time: 7:45 pm. Mood: cheerful. damn i really am NOT making a habit of drinking on a school night. no more. i swear. last night was sooooo fun though. :) so my new job kicks ass and my new boss is hot. can't wait to train with him on friday. :) and i never have to work later than 8 or earlier than 10. so that leaves plenty of evening to do...whatever. :) school is going really well. i've got almost all my projects completely finished up to the point we are at now, so friday i'll probably get that finished up and then i can start working on my own stuff next week!! (if i still have extra time.) i just need to rouge a pair of earrings and texture the inside of a men's ring and polish it. so since that's happening i'm gonna go work on some drawings and look at supply catalogs! (sounds dorky, i know.) i am addicted to this song esp. since i saw that the video of it to that awesome version of peter pan that i fell in love with. i fell in love with peter pan this summer. Comments: Add Your Own. Monday, March 26th, 2007 Time: 5:54 pm. Mood: creative. i went out last night. it was fun. but i definitely don't want to make a habit of going out on a school night. school's hard enough without being tired/hungover/stupid/whatever. (not that i was those things today...haha) and gordon called while i was out so i talked to him for a little while. that was a nice surprise. :) i've been talking to bookstore guy a little bit......but i'm not getting too into that. things got weird because he "really liked me and he knew i was leaving so he was trying to distance himself." ............?? well i just thought things got weird cuz we were both weird and it was a weird situation. but maybe his way makes more sense? i dont know. but he's hot. not that it matters. (much.) best friends? and if you have a minute why don´t we go talk about it somewhere only we know? this could be the end of everything. you. it's so hard not to. Comments: Add Your Own. Thursday, March 22nd, 2007 Time: 9:56 pm. Mood: bored. i could really go for sneaking into a hotel pool/hottub right about now. those times were so fun for me. you boys bore me. Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own. Wednesday, March 21st, 2007 Time: 2:37 pm. Mood: dazed. wow i am out of it im not even going to mention the youknowwhat today what a day i think ill go to bed pretty early again this dude needs to quit calling/texting and take a hint - i dont want to date someone that old or really i just dont want to date him at all the guy in the cell phone store is a different story and speaking of text messages i got an interesting one from the book store guy last week - he wanted me to know that he really misses me and he really liked me and hes sorry for the way things worked out well im not quite sure what hes talking about since i cant really remember why we stopped talking but im pretty sure he didnt do anything besides get clingy and annoying maybe and i just decided to drop off the face of the earth as far as hes concerned if he found me i guess im not doing the best job he wants to see me when i come home yea well see about that i just wrote all that with zero punctuation CUZ I FELT LIKE IT and its really annoying me to look at it now there was a point to all this that i no longer remember maybe later Comments: Add Your Own. Tuesday, March 20th, 2007 Time: 7:43 pm. Mood: tired. i've never hated cc or toshiba more. i am 70/30 on just buying a new computer and fucking this thing up bad. man, that would feel so good. i'm giving myself a few days before i actually make the decision. maybe i need to cool down a little. nothing has pissed me off this bad in the longest time. not much makes me mad anymore, except for the canadian. and even that is pretty controlled and easily ignored now. i'm just going to bed before i let this ruin my night any further. not that i'd call THE 800 number back again tonight anyway. but still, just thinking about their stupid scripts and their condescending tones gets me all worked up again. plus... "i've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots that my tongue has tied off. my brain's repeating 'if you've got an impulse let it out' but they never make it past my mouth." Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own. Time: 2:33 pm. Mood: just plain good.. "i thought about you today. i had a meeting at work, and my boss was asking me about temporary transfers (i.e. me switch to a different nine west for a few months) and one of the stores on the list in need of experienced associates is in carlsbad, ca... i thought that was funny." TRANSFER! haha. no, i know it's not realistic. but i'd love to have someone from home out here. i'll be back soon enough! today i made a bezel for a fancy shaped stone and i then set this fancy shaped stone in the bezel. what did you do today? Comments: Add Your Own. Monday, March 19th, 2007 Time: 7:32 pm. Mood: bitchy. ^that's only 'bitchy' cuz of the headache i currently have and the 800# and computer situation. LA was fantastic, as expected. except for the part where i missed half of pirates 2 that i've waited all this time to finally see because i was so drunk that i passed out mid walk. just fell right down. not that i remember it, jeb told me though. shit. haha, nick (his roommate) must think i'm a nutjob. and i can't watch it on the disc jeb burned me cuz of the TARDED TOSHIBA. i hate 800 numbers. i FUCKING hate 800 numbers. i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE them. and i've realized that i actually have no regrets about anything. everything i've been through has done something for me. made me happy at the time and taught me lessons in the end. even the bad. especially the bad. oh wait, except for the buying of the most fucking retarded, piece of shit, gayass, japanese laptop from the shittiest company in the entire fucking world. DON'T BUY TOSHIBA. ESPECIALLY NOT FROM CIRCUIT CITY. well, they are borderline. they did have the exclusive never before released copeland song when i bought the newest cd. that saves them, but just by a breath. so yea, i could do without having this computer experience. i am extremely down because jeb is going home this weekend. but we'll keep in touch. and i'm glad we got to spend his last weekend here together, and that it was such a good time for both of us. oh and how the heck do you NOT card me? hello? i look like i'm 12. well maybe 18. but still...that's not freakin 21. geeeez. jesus can "crack" my habit. haha. anyway, i love you. and bye. call me. Comments: Add Your Own. Thursday, March 15th, 2007 Time: 6:20 pm. Mood: energetic. wayne's my friend. he gives advice. i can (still) always talk to him about anything. no matter how much of a retard i am. :) I'M GOING TO LA THIS WEEKEND TO VISIT JEBWARD!!!! before he heads home for good. :( lucky. BUT THIS WEEKEND WILL STILL BE GREAT!!! we've got tons planned. if you're not jealous you should be. and then i have a very highly possible, nice, long visit from rick and gordon at the end of may to look forward to. wouldn't that be fantastic? what a lucky girl i am. and even if they can't come, i plan to (translation: i've been ordered to) spend lots of time living on rick's couch when i get back. or something like that. :) Comments: Add Your Own. Tuesday, March 13th, 2007 Time: 10:08 pm. Mood: complacent. i do my best thinking in the shower and in bed right before i fall asleep. last night i finally saw everything. i just never wanted to admit it before. when i try to picture what would make me not only content but actually happy with that part of my life i always see the same thing... this is totally new to me. i know i've said it before but i always changed my mind shortly after because i always doubt myself so much. it's gone now. i do believe feelings can change and pretty quickly. but not overnight like i tried to make myself believe before. i'm not being fickle anymore. i guess no one has to believe me. i know it's totally ridiculous sounding, and it probably doesn't matter one way or another to anyeone except me. but you can still give me some advice. what do you do when you come to this sort of realization? should i tell? or wait? waiting seems stupid to me. what if you wait and they are waiting for you? or what if you wait and nothing ever comes? i think it may be better just to know, either way. seriously though, what do i do? i really am asking for advice. if you read this and don't give it to me then i'll know and be pretty angry. i just belive in taking chances. i don't like to think what could have been. i hate looking back and wondering 'what if?' i believe in going for what i feel/want. but i could be wrong. help me out here. i know what i want. do i try or keep quiet? you have my attention like you've had all the while... Comments: Add Your Own. Time: 7:45 pm. Mood: dorky. so apparently spf 50 makes me dorky. haha, so what if i want to keep my nice skin?? in only think of you anymore when i hear a certain song. (TRUE for the most part) ever burn your finger through the fingernail? OW. no joke. i wish my computer weren't broke so i could really write. i can't really write down here. Comments: Add Your Own. Thursday, March 8th, 2007 Time: 10:41 pm. Mood: accomplished. there are a lot of ryan's out here. seems that way anyway. well i went to the beach with one today. i had to. i got out of lunch. and dinner after the beach. but i just can't turn down the beach. so...we went to the beach. we played some frisbee with this other couple and he was real impressed with my skills. then he taught me how to fly one of those trick kites - you know, the kind with two strings. he was just learning himself...the other dude was teaching him. i actually did pretty good and didn't have a bad time. he's 27. isn't that weird? i'm just not real into him. surprise, surprise. i'm proud of myself for at least going and giving it a chance though. it's a step in the right direction, i think. Comments: Add Your Own. Tuesday, March 6th, 2007 Subject: and the best part is not knowing just what i threw away. Time: 10:39 pm. Mood: exhausted. what about me isn't good enough? i'm everything you want, i promise. there's nothing i can do, but i want to try anyway. everyone tells me not to. they're probably right. i've never listened to them before. maybe i should this time since every other time it didn't work out too well my way, but that's such a hard thing for me to do. i've kept my mouth shut for this long, but not so much because i want to. more like i'm just too scared to try again. rightfully so, unfortunately. you'd think all of this would make me realize it's time to forget about it but i just can't take a hint i guess. haha, not even just a hint, i can't even take a big flag saying 'fuck off, i hate you, i won't even give you a second glance.' THAT'S how stupid i can be. the ridiculous part is i don't even know what i want anymore...i'm not so sure it's the same as when all of this first started up in me. but there's definitely something getting to me. and that doesn't even explain anything at all, but i don't care. if i don't know what i'm thinking then i can't be expected to explain it, right? anyway... too tired. too tired all the freakin time. i can't wait to be through with all of this. after i've finished this i can feel like i've accomplished at least something in my life. and then i'm done. i can't wait to stop caring again. about everything. every aspect of my life. because this....is just not good for me. i lie. partially. i do want to care again someday. i want to be in love someday. and have a happy life. but i just don't know if that will happen for me. i'm sick of setting myself up for failure and disappointment. so in the meantime i'll just stop caring. and if it happens then it'll be great and i'll be the happiest person ever. and if not then whatever, no one's disappointed. after all, i did realize that i can't make love happen for me, i tried that. didn't work. i couldn't even make slight interest happen for me. so the smart thing would be to quit trying. and we've come full circle so it's bedtime. i've just been feeling like such a idiot lately. i can't sort things out for the life of me. i can't stand how scattered even this typing sounds. nothing is coming togheter nicely. i feel like i can't get my point across, i mean what's in my head isn't at all what i'm actually writing down. it's really annoying. ahh even this isn't coming out right. i quit. Comments: Add Your Own.

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